I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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