I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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