My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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