Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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