do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
