I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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