my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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