He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
