I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
