I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
