Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
