How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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