I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
