if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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