Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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