I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Holy shit dude........stairs
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
