foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
