I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
