All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
