New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
