weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
