Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
