Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just high enough for therapy.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
