She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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