My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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