Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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