im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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