Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
