Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
