Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
