I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
