I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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