i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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