What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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