just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
last night I used snow as a chaser
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
