turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
