I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
