he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
