i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
