I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
