Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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