Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
