Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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