Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You made out with two different species that night
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm really busy with my period
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