I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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