My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
