Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
