you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
