A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
