Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need to stop coming to work sober
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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